Can i not drive my cunt home
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
