I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
