Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
