Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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