Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
