Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
