Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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