You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize
