If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
