I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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