im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
