Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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