She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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