Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
