Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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