I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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