Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
