I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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