Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
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