My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
