I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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