I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
