he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
