I just threw up on my dentist
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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