i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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