I swear she didn't look like that last week.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
