We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
