Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
