How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
