god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
