I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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