my mouth tastes like poor choices
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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