he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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