i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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