So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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