Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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