I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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