I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
