I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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