On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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