i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
