I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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