Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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