I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
