i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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