Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
