after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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