Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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