Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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