he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
