I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Randomize
