The maid of honor just puked.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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